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This trailer most certainly does not “kinda suck” as I declared the last one’s suckitude.  The last trailer to come down was a mashup of the original Comic Con footage and nothing we hadn’t seen before.  This one is a different story. An entirely different story.  They’re still using the Pam Voorhees dub about Jason [...]

I wouldn't be a horror site if I didn't cover the big news of the day, right? So here's my obligatory post of the Friday the 13th remake, slated to be released on February 13th, 2009.

Yahoo Movies got the jump yesterday and has the full trailer online. Check it out by going here.

The new poster is also up as you can see above.

I totally dig the new Jason Voorhees. He does look menacing and from the trailer seems a wee bit smarter than your average slasher redneck. It may just be me, but pre-zombied Jason is the best (Part III to me is the best of em all).

I'd rank em as Voorhees, Myers, Kreuger.

The trailer is flashy, but very spoiler ridden. Did we really need 13 "almost" kills? Fuck you for doing that. As long as Jason's screen time is limited (I know thats blasphemous to say) this would probably work better as the early movies made it a point to show only 10-15 minutes of Jason.

And of course we need to follow our basic F13th model work flow. It should be as follows:

1.) A final girl
2.) Jason Voorhees
3.) Gratuitous Nudity
4.) Kill quality

2 totally awesome kills ("Oh that was fuckin awesome")
4-5 decent kills ("Wow, that must have hurt")
2 he was killed offscreen kills ("That's where that blowtorch ended up")
3 machete kills ("Jason totally went all Kill Bill with his machete")

5.) Spooky music
6.) Stereotypical cardboard cutouts of teenagers
7.) The local who warns the teens of impending danger
8.) Jason unmasked
9.) Jason gets killed by final girl
10.) A total WTF ending

That's all I'm asking for. Thoughts about the trailer? the remake?

Now back to your regular scheduled program.


Tags:
friday the 13th remake, friday the 13th remake trailer , friday the 13th remake theatrical full trailer , friday the 13th remake poster, jason voorhees, friday the 13th remake spoilers, friday the 13th, gratuitous nudity, horror movie 2009,

Without any new trancers for a while, Jack Deth (Tim Thomerson) is now working as a private eye in old Los Angeles and Leena (Helen Hunt) is looking to divorce him.  He’s in a low place, working an adultery case when something strange happens - a lizard looking fella from the future knocks him out [...]

The Ioka Theater in Exeter, NH is one of the nation’s oldest movie theaters.  It’s an artifact from a time when going to the movies was a special occasion and a grand experience.  The building’s facade is adorned with the classic movie theater marquee advertising the latest engagements with thousands of lightbulbs.  Internally, it looks [...]

I have dreamed of.

The Old, Weird America dives into Harry Smith's Anthology of American Folk Music and explores artists, songs and influences further.

 

Technorati-Tags: links,music

After Dark Horrorfest 2009 finally has a full lineup for the 8 movies to die for. I've seen a few of the past horrofest flicks in the theatre in 07 and 08. Some were damn good, some were fuckin horrible.

It's scheduled from January 9th to January 15th, 2009.

I've watched some of the trailers (when available and read the vague plot summaries) and below is my list of what I'm fuckin excited to see.

1.) Perkins 14

Plot: Robert Perkins builds an army of 14 people brainwashed through cult-like methods to protect him from his parents' killers. When Perkins is imprisoned, the police unwittingly unleash his followers on a small town and they've only got one thing on their mind: "Kill for Mr. Perkins."

The Jaded Viewer says: Internet hype here has been fuckin relentless. But Manson like shit hitting the fan could possibly turn this into something fun.

Trailer: None

2.) Dying Breed

Plot: Inspired by the legends of a 19th-century cannibal and an extinct tiger, this brutal horror-thriller centers on four friends who find out that something—or someone—murderous lurks in the rain-slogged Australian bush.

The Jaded Viewer says: Australia has been churning some bloody decent horror of late. Kills a plenty from the trailer. Could it be rednecks? Ancient spirits of evil? Killer koalas?

Trailer:





3.) From Within

Plot: The residents of a small American town begin to die one-by-one apparently by suicide...

The Jaded Viewer says: The Sarah Connor Chronicles cast sure makes a lot of horror movies. Looks like the Happening, but will it be without the lame ending? Because suicides are fuckin funny...err....I mean sad. My guess, the suicides are caused by killer koalas.

Trailer:





4.) Autopsy

Plot: A young woman tries to find her injured boyfriend in a bizzare and dangerous hospital

The Jaded Viewer says: I'm a big fan of Dr. Giggles. So if some doctors perform some unauthorized surgeries on some hipsters, who am I to argue? I also am a big fan of bonesaws.

Trailer:





5.) The Broken

Plot: On a busy street in London, Gina thinks she sees herself drive past in her own car. Stunned by this strange event, Gina follows the mystery woman up to her apartment. From here, events take an eerie turn for the worse until Gina's awareness slides from solid reality into a world that will haunt more than just her nightmares.

The Jaded Viewer says: It's probably all the episodes of Sarah Connor Chronicles I;ve watcged but Lena Headey is fuckin hot. And the trailer shows her in a bathtub naked. Umm, I have no idea what this movie is about but the potential of gratuitous nudity from Sarah Connor. Score!

Trailer:





6.) Slaughter aka Faithless

Plot: A young woman thinks she is leaving her abusive life behind when she moves to Atlanta and ends up living at her family farm. She quickly learns that abuse comes in even crueler forms.

The Jaded Viewer says: Please let it be Luther the Geek who abuses her at the farm.

Trailer: None

7.) Voices aka Du saram-yida aka Someone Behind You

Plot: Ga-in, a smart, pretty girl who is loved by everyone, witnesses the deaths of people around her. She is then singled out as the next in line to die from the curse that has one person in each generation die at the hands of two people close to them. Ga-in searched for the truth about the curse with Suk-min, a boy who always lingers around her, and her boyfriend Heon-joong, but attacks on her life by those dearest to her, like her best friend and her mother, never cease...

The Jaded Viewer says: Thats a fucked up curse. How about if she watches the cursed videotape from the Ring? Or gets a missed call? Which curse would kill her first? Is their a curse hierarchy?

Trailer:





8.) Butterfly Effect: Revelation

Plot: Sequel to the 2003 cult movie in which a person can change the past via remembering their forgotten memories due to blackouts.

The Jaded Viewer says: I never saw the first one, so I am hell not gonna see this one.

Trailer:






Tags:
after dark horrorfest, after dark horrorfest 2009 , perkins 14 , 8 films to die for, horrorfest, after dark horrorfest 2009 trailers, horror, gratuitous nudity, top horror movies of 2009, twitch, horror blog, the jaded viewer

While your hoping for Danny Trejo to make Machete, where you CAN actually see him is in a new movie called Eyeborgs.

I never thought they'd bring back the robot gadgets slasher flick back from its 80s grave, but anything is possible now.

Here be the plot synopsis.

After a terrorist attack on US soil, the government intensifies it's surveillance, installing a far reaching network of cameras called the ODIN (Optical Defense Intelligence Network) system. An agent for the Department of Homeland Security becomes suspicious when the physical evidence of a murder does not match what is shown by the network. With the help of a broadcast journalist and a punk rocker he attempts to put a stop to a plot to assassinate the president.

The trailer looks Skynet cheesy but Adrian Paul and Danny Trejo smashing cyborg surveillance peepers has got to be hilarious. I especially like the over the top action soundtrack with gratuitous explosion.

"You binary bastards!!!!"

Now check out the teaser and full trailer (courtesy of Twitch)










Tags:
eyeborgs, eyeborgs trailer , eyeborgs poster , eyeborgs teaser, danny trejo, cyborgs, robot, gratuitous nudity, top movies of 2008, twitch, horror blog,killer robots, the jaded viewer

It's an old story: a pair of star-crossed lovers with two children knows where the secret creed of the Holy Flame of the martial world is hidden. The chiefs of every martial arts clan of mythic ancient China want that secret, so they hunt the two down and kill them in a fit of overenthusiasm. The children miraculously survive some of baby fu (which is the technical term for fighting with a baby on your back) - the male one is rescued by The Phantom (Philip Kwok) who comes too late to be of help to the babies' parents, while the female one has the dubious luck of becoming the adoptive daughter of Tsin Yin (Leanne Lau), head of the Er Mei Clan and one of the killers.

Eighteen years later, the Phantom sends the boy who has (somewhat) grown into the not exactly spectacular form of Max Mok to retrieve the Holy Flame and take vengeance on the killers of his parents.

Nobody knows that there are actually two Holy Flames, a yin and a yang version, one only useable by an eighteen year old male virgin, the other by a female one. Soon each twin has one of the weapons. Will they kill each other with the the things, or will they slaughter the bad guys?

 

Holy Flame of the Martial World is a late period Shaw Brothers film and as such one thing first and foremost: a bizarre construction out of the maddest elements possible.

Sure, the underlying vengeance tale is an old hat in the martial arts and wuxia genres, but moments of earnest melodrama have to take a backseat when scores of bizarre characters attack each other with everything the Weird Fu sub-genre loves (except - inexplicably - midgets). Good old Philip Kwok uses what could very well be my all-time favorite fighting technique, the "Ghostly Laughter". Just imagine him with one of those bad white wigs that are supposed to signify age on his head, sitting in front of his enemies and laughing heartily. So heartily in fact, that his laughter causes an enormous storm which blows his enemies away (unless they "seal their energy flow"). It's enormously silly to look at, and I highly approve.

Most of the film is like that. It throws as much weirdness at its viewer as possible, most of it without anything amounting to an explanation. But really, what explanation could there be for Golden Snake Boy being played by a girl (and who is he/she anyway?) or for the Blood-Sucking Clan whose members are always on the lookout for female virgins to feed them to an English-speaking green corpse?

Or for the fact that the Holy Flames look very much like cheap plastic toys, until they grow and our heroes fly on them, that is? And, now that I think of it, did you know that coming into contact with a special snake bladder will give you the power of the Magic Finger?

With so much bizarre awesomeness thrown at me as fast as possible, I was even able to ignore the obvious flaws of the film - like Max Mok's complete lack of charisma and the ram-shackle state some of the sets were in. I just hadn't time for small change like this while watching a film with flying mirror balls.

 

Technorati-Tags: shaw brothers,reviews,hong kong movies,wuxia,martial arts,weird fu,philip kwok,max mok

I was fairly convinced that King Shot was going to wind up another one of Jodorowski’s pie-in-the-sky ideas that never come to fruition, like his Dune adaptation, but this film actually seems to be rolling along.  As far as I can tell, there hasn’t been a single frame of film shot yet but the wheels [...]

Cyclic assassination disorder. For most people, the idea of a repetitive, back-tracking, David Lynchian film noir may seem a bit too much to swallow, especially when said concept is littered with moody camerawork, overlapping plot points, and a slew unnerving visuals. Shawn Linder, who makes his directorial debut with the captivating 2007 mind game Nobody, somehow manages to keep all of this

especially when you have to defend the things you find at least problematic.

 

Technorati-Tags: links

Dard Divorce

Dard Divorce (2007)

Directed by Olaf Ittenbach

Before Uwe Boll made the words German + Director + Movie = an untouchable, horrible combination, there were a few awesome German directors that revolutionized the gore/splatter films of the 80s and 90s.

The trio of Jorg Buttgereit, Andreas Schnaas and Olaf Ittenbach were the masters of German horror.

Buttgereit is now irrelevant, Schnaas is still around having teamed with Troma for Nikos the Impaler but it's Olaf Ittenbach who has made the straight to DVD gorefest his playground. Call it gore-emax.

Since Ittenbach's gore masterpiece Premutos, he's regurgitated some awesome gore-a-paloozas but always with bad acting, a stupid plot and horrible editing and sound mixing. Mind you he's been the special effects guy for most of Boll's films so if he's been getting advice from Uwe, it's been SARS like. So infectious that it makes most of Ittenbach's films almost unwatchable.

I said almost.

Because you can't discount the gore factor. I've said it before, just like nudity, gore alone can't save a movie, no matter how good the splatter is.

Gratuitous nudity, splatter and gore and plot/acting/ending all have to be in sync for a good horror movie. 1 out of 3 ain't gonna cut it.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

What started with a routine divorce between Natalie Stein and her husband Tim, will soon take a turn into the unexpected and evolve into scenes of torture, bloodshed and slaughter.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

If you said to me what if Olaf Ittenbach made a torture porn movie I would have been fuckin excited. The torture and gore would be over the top and unbelievably bloody and realistic.

The only problem with Ittenbach doing torture porn is there is no plot in torture porn. The fact Ittenbach writes horrible scripts makes it more aggravating. He also casts people who can't act. I mean really can't act. I think he puts in his FX crew as actors. I'm serious.

C'mon Olaf, there's gotta be Nazi gold money to hire some real actors.

Natalie (played by Olaf's wife, Martina) is our main goody two shoes. Her German accent is so thick, one can barely understand the Germ-glish that she's trying to dialogue out. Why narrate a movie when we can barely understand it. It sounded like a McD's drive thru.

Ittenbach's plot is all over the place. It tries to be all Rashomon with some Pulp Fiction thrown in regarding some missing cocaine and a million dollars. But really, this is torture porn so let's just descrube the gore/splatter torture scenes.

1.) Pimp Hitman vs Natalie

Highlights include:


-Repeated punches to the face
-Finger slicing
-Toe slicing
-Glass shrapnel dicing

Flashback highlights include:

-Chainsaw child-a-cide (extra awesomeness!)

2.) Daniel vs Natalie

Highlights include:

-Daniel goes full frontal and dismembers a body
-Head decaps
-Arms and Legs decaps
-Torso decaps
-Ankle decaps
-Head decaps (via torture)
-Ocular trauma
-Hammer arm trauma
-Needle in the eye trauma
-Multiple OJ like stabbings

Flashback highlights include:

-Gunshot blast to the head (extra awesomeness!)
-Knife in the mouth
-Knife stabbings (x100)
-Meat cleaver to the neck
-Throat slicing
-Meat pounder to the face
-Intenstines gushing

That flashback is one of the best scenes in the movie, so check it out below.





You good? Is that enough? No need for a gore-ipedia for this review. Towards the end, the backround music got really loud and actually fucked up the dialogue that you could barely hear whats the actors were saying.

Seriously Olaf, WHAT THE FUCK??? The twist ending was outright predictable as we get a full reveal of whose pulling the strings but the fucked up sound editing made it so you couldn't even listen to whats being said.

The shitty plot, the horrible acting were bad enough. But fucked up sound editing? That's where I draw the fuckin line.

You can't argue with the gore. But you can argue with everything else. For your career Olaf, stop listening to Uwe Boll. And stop writing your own shit. And get some actors. Is that too much to ask?


Rating:

1/2


Watch the trailer below.






Tags:
dard divorce, dard divorce trailer , dard divorce review , top 10 gore movies, german splatter, top splatter movies , gratuitous nudity, olaf ittenbach

Every so often, a movie comes along that makes you utter three letters… Maybe it’s the movie that makes you say that is one that features an Indonesian Mr. T.  Perhaps it’s a movie where white stuff comes out of the ground and the people who discover it decide to package and sell it so [...]

Moontrap isn't that bad, you know. The good news: Bruce Campbell's enormously entertaining self-deprecating horror/comedy My Name is Bruce -- which finds our titular real-life hero battling a blood-thirsty Chinese God in Smalltown, America -- should help you forget all about The Chin's last directorial endeavor, namely The Man with the Screaming Brain. The bad news: If you're not a fan of

I was always fascinated by international comic books whenever they became available to me but living where I do and buying comics back when I did, finding the genuine article, an import, in english was always a tough thing to find.  There’s something odd about Euro-comics, a tone that isn’t present in American books.  Something [...]

I don’t know what’s going on in horror these days but it’s beginning to look as though the genre has been bitten by the Broadway bug.  There’s an awful lot of singing going on to coincide with all the slashing… and I don’t necessarily think that it’s such a bad thing.  I’ve been hoping that [...]

Wicked Lake

Wicked Lake (2008)

Directed by Zach Passero

I can actually sum up my review in 5 words.

Skinemax version of the Craft.

Any red blooded American male wants to see nympho witches go all lesbo and suck blood. It's part of our DNA. But like porn, it's those nagging scenes of "plot" that seem to get in the way. Get to the gratuitous boobies already.

What exactly is Wicked Lake? A rape and revenge movie? A horror skinmax movie? A supernatural, Jess Franco Vampyros Lesobos reboot?

The acting is atrocious. The dialogue is like scratching on a blackboard. The rednecks play out like uber parodies of rednecks and the cops are more inept than a Gordon Lewis blood movie.

Put it together you have 2/3 full of beautiful hot looking succubi going all killy, and 1/3 Deliverance gone wrong.

Sorry, that's just not even going to get 2 spinkicks in my book.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

WICKED LAKE is a supernatural tale about four mysterious, attractive girls venture on a road trip for a relaxing weekend getaway. Unbeknownst to them, two clans of deranged male misfits follow them to their secluded, picturesque lakeside cabin in the mountains. The girls appear to be easy prey for the predatory perverts until the fateful stroke of midnight when all hell, literally, breaks loose!

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Lets have fun with this review shall we? If we could compare to a skinemax movie lets see if it fits all the cliches that does.

SKINEMAX CLICHE #1

Opening scene of gratuitous nudity over the opening credits

WICKED LAKE VERSION

The opening scene is of a hot girl posing naked for a bunch of art students in a class.

MATCH?: YES!!

SKINEMAX CLICHE #2

Introduction of cheesy characters (possibly parodies of Hollywood genres) with C or D level actors and actresses (always 2/3 pornstars 1/3 skinemax veterans)

WICKED LAKE VERSION

We are introduced to Caleb, our gay "good" bad guy and his redneck, horny inbred redneck family. We are also introduced to our lesbian foursome. Mary our tushy brunette, Helen our hot girl next door, Jill our Amy Winehouse lookalike and Ilene our hippy model.

MATCH?: YES!!

SKINEMAX CLICHE #3

A scene of gratuitous nudity with lesbians making out in a music video montage

WICKED LAKE VERSION

A scene of gratuitous nudity with lesbians making out in a music video montage MATCH?: YES!!

SKINEMAX CLICHE #4

Set up of couples going on vacation at a hypersexed resort, getting massages and skinny dipping in the pool.

WICKED LAKE VERSION

Set up of 4 carefree girls going to a cabin by the lake, going skinny dipping and encountering some horny males

MATCH?: YES!! (SORTA)

SKINEMAX CLICHE #5

Scene of a nympho woman teaching an inexperienced woman how to please her man

WICKED LAKE VERSION

Rednecks force the 4 coeds to suck the flute, resulting in gratuitous rock smashing and death

MATCH?: NO....wow that's not even close.

SKINEMAX CLICHE #6

The cop investigating the murder at a brothel gets seduced by the very friendly staff

WICKED LAKE VERSION

The 4 succubi/vampyros lesbos exact their revenge on our hillybillies by going all butchery. This includes:

1.) John Bobbit-ed
2.) Brain eating a straw blood drinking
3.) Arms and legs cut off (not shown because that would have required real CGI and money)
4.) Throat biting
5.) Beheadings with microwave explosion
6.) Gratuitous dental work
7.) Shotgun blast to the head
8.) Gunshot blast to the balls

MATCH?: NO....hmm. I thought that one would be similar.

SKINEMAX CLICHE #7

The final scene is usually where our original uptight couple now becomes unhibited and lets it all loose and we get 10 minutes of simulated sex

WICKED LAKE VERSION

More of the naked girls in the lake as the credits roll

MATCH?: Close enough

So as you see, 5 out of 7 times, it fell in line with a skinemax version. Just because you can drop in a Angela Bettis cameo doesn't mean it makes your film a horror movie. You can't argue a movie where there is total full frontal and boobage that is right in your face. What you can argue is that when you try to add horror elements and it comes out all huh? what? eh?, you've really haven't done your homework.

I enjoy blooded splatter and soaked hot looking lesbians as much as anybody, but c'mon now. We horror fans deserve more than that don't we?

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

1.) John Bobbit-ed
2.) Brain eating a straw blood drinking
3.) Arms and legs cut off (not shown because that would have required real CGI and money)
4.) Throat biting
5.) Beheadings with microwave explosion
6.) Gratuitous dental work
7.) Shotgun blast to the head
8.) Gunshot blast to the balls

Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)

1.) Art model boobies
2.) Lesbian montage makout nudity
3.) Skinny dipping and naked sun tanning nudity
4.) Full frontal nudity by Amy Winehouse look a like
5.) More skinny dipping

WTF moment

The 5 minute lesbian makeout session

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

As I said, I just can't give this 2 spinkicks. Nudity alone doesn't warrant a average rating. Nudity and a solid plot, lots of gore and splatter. That's the holy fuckin trinity of a good horror movie. 1 out of 3 gets you 1 and half spinkicks.

Maybe Passero's next flick will be a little better. Shit, if you wanted to provide a soundtrack to Ministry's latest album, a music video would have sufficed. But 90 minutes of this was a little overkill.

Rating:

1/2


Watch the red band trailer below.






Tags:
wicked lake, wicked lake red band trailer , wicked lake review , lesbians, lesbians nudity, top horror movies of 2008, gratuitous nudity, rape revenge