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The Fast Kill

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The Fast KillI'm no architect, so I've no real idea what you'd call the floor below the bargain basement - a place where this shot-in-London crime/heist rubbish should reside. Tom Adams (the poor man’s James Bond) plays Max, a suave, snooty bank robber with a tight suit and a Rolls Royce who assembles a crack team of morons for a diamond/airplane job.

The Rats Are Coming! The Werewolves Are Here!

The Rats Are Coming! The Werewolves Are Here!Another amazingly inept, woeful, howl inducing horror outing from producer William Mishkin and anti-genius Andy Milligan - again set in a big house, and again stuffed full of people unable to spell the word ‘acting’ let alone carry it out. Surprisingly, this could be Milligan’s most competent film. It actually has dialogue you can hear, kooky music and a start and an ending with - get this - a plot jammed in between - sort of.

Beyond the Lost World: The Alien Conspiracy

Beyond the Lost WorldSome films inspire people to do things. At their best, they can inspire deep feelings, heartfelt actions, and art beyond the film itself.

Beyond the Lost World might actually accomplish some of these things, but not because it sets out to do so. No, it might inspire feelings, but they'll probably be rage or depression. It might inspire actions, such as throwing your copy of the film on a roaring fire. And it might inspire art, but only because a viewer will think “Jesus, I can make something better than this movie.”

A Serbian Film

 

A Serbian Film I watch a lot of extreme films, from Alienteur  to Come and See, August Underground to the Guinea Pig series... it’s a long list. At this point I’m a bit jaded. It’s not often that a film comes around that shocks me, but this is one of them: A Serbian Film is definitely in the top five most disturbing films I’ve ever seen. You may feel like your soul needs a shower after watching this one.

The real surprise is that beyond the shocking and profoundly disgusting content matter, A Serbian Film is actually a well-made film with some sympathetic characters, which really increased the revulsion I felt while watching what they go through.

A Dangerous Man

A Dangerous Man

It’s no secret that most of Steven Seagal’s straight to video efforts stink. There have been a few that manage to rise above abysmal and can be watched without cursing everyone involved in making the film. Ruslan and The Keeper fall into this category; while they’re not likely to make any new Seagal fans, they at least offer some entertaining violence, and Seagal actually seemed to show up to the set for work most of the time.

The Million Eyes of Sumuru

The Million Eyes of Sumuru

Filmed partially in Shaw Bros Hong Kong studios, produced by Harry Alan Towers and based on characters created by Fu Manchu author Sax Rohmer, here's a vintage slice of ice-cool girl power spy action starring 60's uber-fox Shirley Eaton as chinese devil woman Su Maru—a homicidal villain with an obedient army of killer hellcats worthy of any 007 outing.

Christina's House

Christina's House

Christina's House: a title that hardly inspires terror—much like the half-baked plot.‭ ‬It tries to make up for this by making every character in the film creepy in a bizarre attempt to confuse the viewer into wondering which of the creepy people is the killer.‭ As strange things happen, Christina begins to wonder if she is losing her mind like her crazy mother, or is something wrong actually happening? 

Tarzan in the Valley of Lust

Tarzan in the Valley of Lust

Colour, 16mm jungle sex swings from a vine and dangles its leafy salami in your face. Chris Robin is Jayne, a blonde airhead in a fur bikini who goes for a scrub in a stream. A man in a monkey suit (Al Martin) attacks the damp and terrified lady until Tarzan (the aptly branded Duane Prodd) shows up and stabs the manky monkey in the balls with a jungle knife.

Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny

Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny

Looking for the worst Christmas special of all time? I can't say for sure that Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny is that film but if there's something worse I don't want to know about it. It's worse than the Star Wars Holiday Special, and I don't say that lightly. Some evil bastard must have thought this would be a great way to get kids to commit suicide for the holidays; forcing them to watch this should be considered child abuse.

Blood: The Last Vampire

Blood: The Last Vampire

Saya isn’t your average Japanese schoolgirl; while she looks 16 she’s actually going on 400 years old. These things happen when you’re part vampire.

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