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Crime

The Fast Kill

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The Fast KillI'm no architect, so I've no real idea what you'd call the floor below the bargain basement - a place where this shot-in-London crime/heist rubbish should reside. Tom Adams (the poor man’s James Bond) plays Max, a suave, snooty bank robber with a tight suit and a Rolls Royce who assembles a crack team of morons for a diamond/airplane job.

A Dangerous Man

A Dangerous Man

It’s no secret that most of Steven Seagal’s straight to video efforts stink. There have been a few that manage to rise above abysmal and can be watched without cursing everyone involved in making the film. Ruslan and The Keeper fall into this category; while they’re not likely to make any new Seagal fans, they at least offer some entertaining violence, and Seagal actually seemed to show up to the set for work most of the time.

The Million Eyes of Sumuru

The Million Eyes of Sumuru

Filmed partially in Shaw Bros Hong Kong studios, produced by Harry Alan Towers and based on characters created by Fu Manchu author Sax Rohmer, here's a vintage slice of ice-cool girl power spy action starring 60's uber-fox Shirley Eaton as chinese devil woman Su Maru—a homicidal villain with an obedient army of killer hellcats worthy of any 007 outing.

Bitch Slap

Bitch SlapA purposefully trashy throwback to the grindhouse exploitation flicks of the 70‘s, Bitch Slap manages to be surprisingly entertaining. I expected the film to be terrible, especially if compared the brilliant blaxploitation parody of Black Dynamite. It’s not quite in the same league as Black Dynamite, but it isn’t a straight parody; it’s more of a loving homage to the genre. More than anything, Bitch Slap is about breasts, asses, and violence.

Under the Gun

Under the Gun

Frank (Richard Norton, perhaps best known for Gymkata and The Octagon) is a former hockey player turned business man who just wants to sell his club and get the hell out of town. Unfortunately for him (but fortunately for us) everything that can go wrong does go wrong.

Sentenced to Hang

Sentenced to Hang

Kent Cheng (Run And Kill—93) stars as 'Hair Sticker', a fat man that works part time as a merkin applicator in a strip joint. Tired of being bullied and beaten down by harsh bosses and life, he, his friends Tony Leung (Dragon Inn—92) and Chang Shan get drunk and decide to organise a hasty kidnap which quickly goes wrong.

Marked for Death

Marked for Death

Like him or laugh at him, Steven Seagal sure knew how to kick ass on-screen, and although wooden enough to make a dining table out of, he's got a blockhead appeal and a certain cinematic snap he brings to each feature.

Of course, I'm usually drunk when I press play on his movies, and it only takes me 10 seconds before I think I've seen it before—which I pretty much have seeing as all his stuff is cut from the same plot cloth—wronged hero out on his own, wanting to bust the bad guys.

Kill Switch

Kill Switch

If you’re searching for the worst Steven Seagal movie ever made, make sure you give this one a look. Kill Switch is chock full of bad dubbing, painfully obvious stunt doubles, and appears to have been edited by a drunken epileptic monkey in the midst of a grand mal seizure.

If you’re looking for anything else, stay far away from this movie.

Into the Sun

Into the Sun

At the time of its release in 2005, Into the Sun was touted as being a return to Seagal’s roots: a solid action film with some good fights. Unfortunately it’s just another straight to video dud in almost every way. It’s nearly 30 minutes into the film before the first fight scene, and the story is so incredibly stupid that it’s not worth the wait.

Out for Justice

Out for Justice

Classic ham-head action from slim-badge Steven Seagal as a bitter, Brooklyn, New Yawk cop troubled by a failing marriage, a love of abandoned puppies and case that involves the carrot stand killing of his cop partner by the quite insane William Forsythe (American Me—95) who has decided to spend his last day on earth shooting up the city, settling scores and running amok.

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