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The Rats Are Coming! The Werewolves Are Here!

The Rats Are Coming! The Werewolves Are Here!Another amazingly inept, woeful, howl inducing horror outing from producer William Mishkin and anti-genius Andy Milligan - again set in a big house, and again stuffed full of people unable to spell the word ‘acting’ let alone carry it out. Surprisingly, this could be Milligan’s most competent film. It actually has dialogue you can hear, kooky music and a start and an ending with - get this - a plot jammed in between - sort of.

Beyond the Lost World: The Alien Conspiracy

Beyond the Lost WorldSome films inspire people to do things. At their best, they can inspire deep feelings, heartfelt actions, and art beyond the film itself.

Beyond the Lost World might actually accomplish some of these things, but not because it sets out to do so. No, it might inspire feelings, but they'll probably be rage or depression. It might inspire actions, such as throwing your copy of the film on a roaring fire. And it might inspire art, but only because a viewer will think “Jesus, I can make something better than this movie.”

Wrong Turn 4

Wrong Turn 4For those of you still buying Wrong Turn movies, this is one of them.  For everyone else, you've already wasted more time on this film than you should just reading these two sentences.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Dangerous Man

A Dangerous Man

It’s no secret that most of Steven Seagal’s straight to video efforts stink. There have been a few that manage to rise above abysmal and can be watched without cursing everyone involved in making the film. Ruslan and The Keeper fall into this category; while they’re not likely to make any new Seagal fans, they at least offer some entertaining violence, and Seagal actually seemed to show up to the set for work most of the time.

Tarzan in the Valley of Lust

Tarzan in the Valley of Lust

Colour, 16mm jungle sex swings from a vine and dangles its leafy salami in your face. Chris Robin is Jayne, a blonde airhead in a fur bikini who goes for a scrub in a stream. A man in a monkey suit (Al Martin) attacks the damp and terrified lady until Tarzan (the aptly branded Duane Prodd) shows up and stabs the manky monkey in the balls with a jungle knife.

Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny

Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny

Looking for the worst Christmas special of all time? I can't say for sure that Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny is that film but if there's something worse I don't want to know about it. It's worse than the Star Wars Holiday Special, and I don't say that lightly. Some evil bastard must have thought this would be a great way to get kids to commit suicide for the holidays; forcing them to watch this should be considered child abuse.

Blood: The Last Vampire

Blood: The Last Vampire

Saya isn’t your average Japanese schoolgirl; while she looks 16 she’s actually going on 400 years old. These things happen when you’re part vampire.

Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon

Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon

Freddie Kruger has his Elm Street, Jason Vorhees has his lake, and in this, spry, fake-ass 'behind the scenes' feature we meet Leslie Vernon of Glenn Echo, Oregon—a soon to be infamous 'supernatural' serial killer who is shown prepping his legend, working out and explaining the hows and whys of his chosen profession to a student film crew who follow him around.

Insecticidal

Insecticidal

Trapped somewhere between an amateur softcore porno and a bargain bin monster movie, Insecticidal fails miserably on both fronts.

Rollergator

Rollergator

Rollergator is sort of a zen film; absolutely nothing of interest happens. It just sits there existing for an hour and a half.

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