City Dragon

Now and then a movie comes along that words simply cannot adequately describe. City Dragon is one of those movies. If I tried to list every single thing that was wrong with it, this would be a hell of a long review and I'd have to watch it several times in a row just to try to catch them all. I'm not that strong.

City Dragon features the adventures of MC Kung Fu, rapping kung fu expert/playa/accountant. I'd like to mention that MC Kung Fu is apparently his real name, in the movie he settles for the far more pedestrian name Ray. He likes to party with his friends Philthy Phil and Rick, and for some reason Philthy (who also directed the movie) is far less annoying than Rick.

The plot of City Dragon is completely bizarre. It starts off like a Cinemax softcore porno (with no actual porn), veers into a rejected Lifetime original about domestic abuse and a stalking ex-boyfriend, inserts random fights that generally have nothing to do with the plot, adds a dash of marriage, pregnancy and a couple who needs therapy, some scenes that are nearly straight out of super-low-budget sexual harassment video you may have seen at work… and lots and lots of terrible, terrible rhyming and rapping. And there's more! It's a monumental effort of combining things that don't work together, and I don't think I've ever seen anything quite like it.

Oddly enough some of the fights are pretty good, given the films extremely low budget. MC Kung Fu is considerably better at punching and kicking than he is at rhyming. Unfortunately he spends a lot of the movie speaking in rhyme. This will either have you groaning in pain or doubled over laughing as he rhymes things like "Tina" with "queena". He also has some of the worst pick-up lines I have ever heard. Ever. Despite all this by the end of the movie I was feeling sorry for him, either because of all the crap the movie piles on his character, or because he was in this movie. I really can't say which, maybe it was both.

My favorite character in the entire movie is a doctor at a mental institution who is only in the film for a minute. When a crazy person asks him for help, he responds: "Help? Yeah I'd like to help, help string your ass up to the highest tree. Crazy whacko cracker! You need Jesus!" The movie is filled with completely random inane crap like this.

Should you see City Dragon? If you're into BAD movies, this is definitely one for the books, an unintentional comedy for the ages. It will make you laugh, it will make you cry, and it may even move you enough to reach for the remote to turn it off. You'll probably just sit there stunned, though, watching it unfold like some kind of epic natural disaster. MC Kung Fu and his buddies never made another film, so this is your only chance to see their unique brand of awful.