Submitted by Lurple on 06/21/08
With a title like this, how could you resist watching this movie? I couldn't. The plot, such as it is, is about a Bed. That eats. People. That's about it. Well, at one point it eats some fried chicken, an apple… whatever gets on it, really. The movie is divided up into segments named after meals and is narrated by a ghost in a painting.
The film attempts to combine arthouse pretentiousness with sleaze, super-low budget awful special effects, and acting that makes grade school plays look good. It sounds great as fodder for a hilarious bad movie night, but somehow the combination just winds up being boring. There's a reason most of the people involved in this thing never worked on a movie again.
Do yourself a favor and just laugh at the title and imagine what the movie might be like. It's better that way. The title is too good to waste on something like this, and the world is surely begging for a remake.
The Bed That Ate My Dignity
It's been a while since I watched this at Lurple's house, but the one thing I remember for certain is that this movie sucks. It comes off as almost a softcore porn in disguise. A really, really bad, artsy disguise. Nearly everyone that dies on the bed is either having sex on it, or had sex on it, or is lying on it naked. Don't be fooled, the sex is lame and not redeeming in any way.
The set itself (the room that houses the Death Bed) is essentially an empty room. And by empty, I mean devoid of items (specifically the dignity of everyone that participated in the making of this "movie"). There's a few paintings (one that has the eerie ability to bore you to tears with horrible narration) a shelf, a fireplace pit and a single door that leads outside. Yes, you read correctly - there is no bathroom and no kitchen. The characters stumble upon a door in the wilderness (it may have been part of a house, but you never see the rest of it) that leads to a single room, with a single bed and nothing else.
There is no plot to speak of. People find the room, decide to have sex and sleep in it, get eaten by the bed, and the painting watches. Repeat until everyone who's watching this flaming pile of crap has eaten themselves into bloody masses, and then roll the credits.
I'm pretty sure this was one
I'm pretty sure this was one of the worst things we've watched at a movie night. You know it's bad when everyone preferred "The Bikini Bandits Experience". A truly terrible movie.
Stuart Gordon made a film called "Deathbead" in 2002. With a stellar rating of 3.9 on IMDB, it's probably better... but it has Joe Esteves in it and it's a Full Moon film, so it's bound to be terrible. I don't think I can take reviewing another horrible movie about boring deadly beds.
Has Joe Esteves ever done anything that doesn't make you want to slap him? I watched Toad Warrior recently and he was possibly the least awful thing in it, and I still wanted to slap him. Do not watch Toad Warrior under any circumstances.
Stuart Gordon's DEATHBED
I mistakenly reviewed this instead of THE BED THAT EATS for the CG IDOL contest. Definitely NOT a piece of crap. Sure, it's derivative as hell and wants badly to be a David Lynch movie, but it certainly delivered on the kink and gore. My take on it is in the CG Wiki if anyone cares.
Stuart Gordon tends to make
Stuart Gordon tends to make interesting films. I haven't seen his Death Bed yet, but it's almost certainly better than Death Bed: The Bed that Eats.
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