Submitted by DF Dresden on 11/27/08
Posted in
Tub-o-lard (and current winner of the fat Elvis lookalikey contest) Steven Seagal is Cody, a flaccid army-man released from jail to head a Dirty Dozen (67) mission in a hectic action thriller that pulls no punches in a buzzy, souped-up story about neo-cortex thought projection and remote controlled assassins.
Basically, there’s a whole lot of movie plot pillaging here so there’s bits of Clockwork Orange (71), The Rock (96) and, aww hell. Just watch it. Seagal’s team is made up of specialists played by cool English actors and even has Vinnie Jones—yeah. I know. But he’s a sniper with tourettes and has a fantastic fight in a hotel room that you just gotta see.
Co written by Hickox, you don’t get to see much more than Seagal’s chubby face (which is mostly in shadow) coz Steve is way too fat in this to do much of anything other than eat (I guess) and it’s hilarious watching him trying to run, fight or throw a kick coz... well, he’s really lame. Actually, it’s quite shocking to hear him burble his lines (in a southern drawl) and he really, really looks like Elvis—after he died.
Strange too that during the movie Vinnie calls someone Elvis as an insult and the costume designer was someone called Elvis Davis! Coincidence? I think not.
Its so sad....
I used to love Steven Segal movies. Of course, it WAS back when he was skinny and young (and yes, I know fat old people need loving too.) but I just cannot help feel so sad for the guy when it is so obvious that he is so in love with himself that he thinks he STILL looks good and that his acting is good. The guy never could act for shit but at least he had "a look" - now he is nothing but blubbery ego that still can't act for shit.
Gawd - I too still watch his lameass movies. I do so love to torture myself.
I still watch them too.
I still watch them too. Seagal is so damn lazy that a good chunk of his lines are dubbed in by someone that isn't even doing the fake Southern accent in this film (seriously, it's terrible), and he spends half his scenes trying to hide his fat by staying in the shadows... but even if didn't it would still be bad. Vinnie Jones's fight scene is far better than any of Seagal's.
But really Seagal, just own up to being an older, chubby action guy. Your movies will still suck, but maybe a little less.
I noticed too
That he tries to hide his body - and he wears dark colors (probably because they are believed to be "slimming")- he's always standing behind something or they only film from the chest up. And the fight sequences are no longer entertaining. Now they are just lame. We need to see his body for good fight sequences, so why even have them if they are just gonna suck so fat boy won't "look bad" in the scene?? And whywhywhy do we keep watching them???
Chubby's flix
Are terrible of late - as the weight n burger oil pile on, Seagal is getting slower. lamer, fatter.... but,
I'll still watch his new movies in the hope he'll start playing his age, stand in the light and not use spastic editing to 'create' the illusion of combat...
Also, there's a fair chance (naw.. not really) that' he''ll squeeze out another uber classic like Out For Justice before he explodes in a ganky, wet burst like some beef filled pinata
A WANG DANG DOO....
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