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When Nollywood Attacks

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Nollywood!

We recently declared that Charles E. Cullen was the worst director ever, and that his movie Killer Klowns from Kansas on Krack was quite possibly the worst movie ever made. I knew that writing this would send some terrible films my way but I had no idea just how quickly they would arrive.

I've been discussing Nollywood (the Nigerian film industry) with the other folks over at Cinema Suicide for a little while now. If you're not familiar with Nollywood and want to know more check out Bryan's latest article on the subject. It's apparently not uncommon for teams in Nollywood to put out a movie in a couple of days and some Nollywood directors have managed to make 80-100 movies in the last 15 years. Just yesterday someone provided us with an online store that not only sells some of these fine movies, it also provides online trailers for many of them.

I watched some of these cinematic trailer treats and my apologies go out to Mr. Cullen. He is not the worst director ever. There are several Nollywood directors that are working at or around Cullen's level, so he's just one of the worst directors ever. Now I think it's time for me to share some of the magic.

Behold the awesome powers of the Golden Axe!

Witness End of Discussion! At least until it starts up again in End of Discussion 2, 3, and probably 4, 5, and 6! The only thing I am sure of here is that the discussion cannot end soon enough.

I also apologize to Albert Pyun for saying Omega Doom was the worst Yojimbo remake ever—look out for Django, Nollywood-style!

I can't tell if Django is even remotely related to the original Django because I can't understand any of it. The camerawork and lighting were apparently done by a coked-up epileptic blind man, and the trailer was evidently edited with a hacksaw. Just watching the trailer hurt my brain; imagine watching the whole thing.

Don't allow people to clean your face with The Handkerchief, it is very dangerous!

I'd still like to see one of the better Nollywood movies, so if anybody out there who loves Nollywood has a real recommendation please drop me a note or mention it in the comments. Surely there's one good film I need to see. And you never know... Golden Axe looks insanely bad enough that I might break down and review it. Some day. Heavily armed with some kind of alcholic beverages.