lurple.com

When you start a film off with exploding heads, severed limbs that spray arterial blood like a garden hose, and a chainsaw fight, you can be pretty sure that a film is going to be over-the-top and live up to the word gore in its name.

Presented by Cinemax and adapted from Michael Lesy’s book of the same title, true crime lovers and watchers of the real and macabre will bug-out big time at the shopping list of bad luck, ill fate and fatal superstition presented by this Hands On / BBC2 Arena documentary which concerns itself with a rash of strange suicides, murders and misdeeds committed around the town of Black River Falls in Wisconsin between the years 1890 and 1900.

In the wake of 1992’s LA riots, has there ever been a more pointed commentary on police brutality than the thought-provoking Psycho Cop 2: Psycho Cop Returns? Perhaps there is, but I don’t want to know about it.

A Christmas horror movie where Santa Claus kills Fran Drescher and Chris Kattan in the opening scene has at least two things going for it. Fortunately for Santa’s Slay it not only provides Santa a chance to kill off two of the most irritating people of all time, it’s surprisingly enjoyable ride.

Not only has this limp, bloodless, Italian horror got a just plain genius title, it’s sexy star Rita Calderoni (who has a bush to rival Linay Romay’s) actually does get nude for satan. In fact, while she and her doctor pal (James Harris) are stranded at a remote castle, she gets nude a whole lot, whether she’s washing, having a nightmare, walking the dog or peeling the spuds, she’s as nudey as ya’ like.

As Clint Eastwood nears his eighties I found it curious that the iconic movie tough guy would choose to take on a role where the trailer shows him as a cranky old man, shouting that cliched old line at some teens: "Get off my lawn!" Taken out of the context of the film the line is funny, and I admit it's one of the things that piqued my interest in Gran Torino.

In the context of the film it's not funny at all. It's not the only thing Walt Kowalski (Clint Eastwood) says to the hoodlums that have ventured onto his lawn, and it's a downright chilling moment in one of the best films I've seen this year.

Pick two numbers between 1 and 5. Add those together and that’s probably how many movies this pile of Hong Kong action tat is made out of. Funny as hell for all the wrong reasons, this is more senseless, stoopid, badly dubbed ninja-poop ‘starring’ poor old Richard Harrison and gigantic Mike Abbott (American Hunter—87) and is yet another cut ‘n’ paste kung fu stew from Joseph Lai’s IFD company.

Boasting “AMAZING ANIMATED SPECIAL EFFECTS!” (at least that’s what the box says), Actium Maximus is a compelling sci-fi socio-political drama with lots of awesome goop-drooling space monster puppets in a land of model cities blue-screened badly behind people running around dressed in goofy alien masks. It’s an intense tale of intrigue played out with space triceratopses that walk as deftly as the battery-operated Spydor toy that my Skeletor action figure used to ride and a megalomaniacal talking box with eyes—the Grand  Automaton PolPox—and his army of hovering stalagmites with tentacles.

Crazy Hong Kong action with international star Chow Yun Fat. Watch as Chow Yun woos the ladies and smacks them around, dresses like a Vegas lounge lizard, wields a yo-yo shotgun, and wets his pants.

You’ll also get Conan Lee as his buddy-cop partner. Conan may not be as smooth with the ladies, but he does get to tear up the place in some terrific kung fu battles and an epic chainsaw duel.

A fast talking con-man with ‘the gift of the gab’ (Noel Madison) forms a hate group called The Avenging Angels, and with the help of a fat, crooked governor, attempts to take over America (state by state) by selling fascism disguised as patriotism and national pride (sound familiar?).